i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
