I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
