Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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