i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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