I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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