he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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