I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
