Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
i need an iv and a liver transplant
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
