Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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