i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
