I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize