John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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