hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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