Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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