u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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