I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
