Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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