I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Its about making memories worth repressing
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
