I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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