I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
