I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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