She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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