have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
