so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
