I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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