hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
My Higher Power is John Stamos
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
