she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
