did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
