I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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