my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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