Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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