stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
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