My underwear smells like fireworks.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
