So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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