I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
