You're a womanizer and a bitch.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
