I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
