I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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