If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Randomize
