Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
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