How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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