Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
