Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
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Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
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When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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