she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
