I just pynch a tree in the face
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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