i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I wish they made helmets for livers.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
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