Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
