we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
