Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
