people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
