Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
