God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
