Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
so let's talk penis.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
All the doctor said was why
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
