Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
