you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
