I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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