I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
