I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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