I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
