So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
